Rabbit Holes of Transformation

Last March, when I was diagnosed with cancer I felt as if I had fallen down an Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole. I didn’t know up from down, time was no longer linear, and any sense of familiarity felt eons away. After six months of chemo, surgery, weeks of radiation, and a current cancer-free status I have not found myself back in the ‘normal everyday world’. Rather I feel like I have been joined in the rabbit hole by nearly half the country who was hoping for a Harris presidency.

It would be foolish of me to offer any specific wisdom regarding the circumstances we currently face. I am not an expert, and we are living in unprecedented times. Nevertheless, there are a few things I continued to return to again and again during my cancer journey that felt clarifying and comforting. I’m offering a couple of them here in case you may also find them clarifying and comforting during these times. 

Notice that you are alive. 

Being diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer has a way of making you face your mortality. I expected that. What I didn’t expect was to find a portal to a deep sense of aliveness as well. We are each of us alive at this very moment. And that is a magical and mysterious thing. Even when times are dark, there is an inherent spark inside each of us. Seek it out and believe in its power. 

See fear as a toddler. 

It’s completely justifiable and natural to feel fear when times are scary. And yet keeping the fear as ‘right sized’ as possible can help navigate it. I had a vision surface during my cancer diagnosis. It was all of my emotions personified and they were riding in a car. Fear was definitely there; in toddler form, crying out and making itself known. Rightfully so. Nevertheless, I realized under no circumstance should it be in the driver’s seat. Rather my wiser self needed to gently ‘strap my fear in its car seat’ so my other emotions could do what they needed to do. I chose to turn the keys over to my deep love for my child, and gratitude for life.

Under the best of circumstances, life is never seamless. It is inherently messy. And collectively sometimes we face messier times than others. This is definitely one of those times. But I still believe transformation is possible and worth it. I love the quote by Jennifer Wright: “People talk about caterpillars becoming butterflies as though they just go into a cocoon, slap on some wings, and are good to go. Caterpillars have to dissolve into a disgusting pile of goo to become butterflies. So if you’re a mess wrapped up in blankets right now, keep going.’

Wishing you light and love on your path sweet caterpillar.

Want to be in connection with others along the way?

***Register for a Glimmer Gathering. (The First Thursday evening of every month)***

Glimmers are tiny micro moments of joy - fleeting, everyday moments that elicit a rush of happiness, gratitude, calm, peace, safety or goodwill.

Glimmer gatherings are a chance to practice noticing glimmers in your everyday life and celebrating them in community. Time will be carved out for individual reflection through art making and/or writing. Time will also be carved out to share connect with one another.